So so so much stuff to talk about. I’ll just get down to it.
Image by: MonsterKawaiii (me haha)
1. To my followers (if you don’t follow via email or wordpress disregard this part unless you are curious, or if you may be a potential follower please read this):
So as you have seen, I moved all of you back to my original blog…and I may move you again.”Wait what happened to your old blog?” “Why are we back here again??” you may ask, well dear friend, I failed at my hosted blog and I refuse to pay for something that is a hobby that I can do for free (here). I’ve discovered after a year or so, that I’m not here to blog for money. I never was to begin with, I just got stuck on that blogger hype for awhile and thought it could be possible. Who knows maybe in the future it can be, but for now I’m just gonna do my thing and continue blogging without paying for a domain name or whatever hosting bull crap that I just can’t deal with.
Then you’re probably asking, “Wait, we will be moved again…?” Yes, sadly I may have to create another blog here on WordPress. “Whyyyy?” I know, I know it’s stupid, and I’ve worked so hard on this blog since 2014, I’m kinda at this blogging standstill where I want to post but I can’t and here’s why…
I’m running out of GB on this blog, can you believe it?? I thought a blog could be forever, but it looks like you have to pay if you want to upload more than 3GB of data. So basically long stressful mental distressed blogger story short, I’m going to create a new blog and start fresh. This could be a good thing. I think I have improved as a blogger since 2014, and I’ll keep this blog here to refer to old posts and to look back upon as time goes on. And you, my followers will be moved to my new blog when it is time. Although it’s bittersweet, its also kinda good in a way. A fresh start I suppose. So that’s the bad news in terms of blogging. As for old Dreaming in Japan blog, well…I’m trying to delete it but I don’t know how hahah so….not sure what to do about that…I’ll figure it out. For now it’s kinda just sitting there, floating around.
2. Depression: Is it too scary to talk about? NO! All cards are on the table today.
As for a personal update, hmmm let me think. Well things haven’t been the greatest mentally and physically for me. I’ve been struggling with depression since mid June (although I was in denial for most of June and July). I talked a bit about a work mistake that triggered it, I still don’t think I’m at liberty to say what I actually did or what happened, but as a result I got punished and I took it so hard that I lost myself. I tried to quit my job 3 times because I couldn’t take being there any longer but instead I was gently advised by a superior to ask my doctor about sick leave, and a few days later I was on a 30 day leave from work, that was then extended for another 6 days later on, so 36 days total. If you are a JET/ALT and reading this now, you may be thinking, “Jesus, 36 days, holy crap I’d do anything for a break like that”. Yeah well, when you are depressed a break isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I had to check in with my doctor every week so I was pretty much unable to travel. I was basically unable to do anything for the first few weeks. I felt rooted in place, unable to shower, move, eat, I had some dark thoughts in the beginning. I was unable to leave my apartment most days. I was extremely lonely so I tried reaching out to a lot of people, some even reached out to me. It was comforting, and also a big wake up call to see who really are my friends vs. people who are just kinda there to look though my social media window with curiosity and do what people do: judge, think, decipher, and so on. These people who may or may not care are usually the ones that you only knew way back when, but you don’t actually talk to them anymore, you just look at their shit online, you know, checking in. “Facebook friends”or “Instagram followers” hah! Maybe 2% of them are actually my real life friends and family. And the rest…are just curious. We are all curious. Me too, don’t worry I’m not trying to be all high and mighty on this, just an observation. Although, I personally think the whole social media concept is getting more and more stressful as fuck though right? Why must my phone always be right next to me. Why am I always checking for it. It’s like I’m tethered down. I’ve expressed a lot of my issues with social media before so I’ll stop here.
I was put on anxiety meds at the beginning of July as the work thing was being processed. Two weeks into my leave, I was put on anti-depressants. I’ve read up a lot on depression and anxiety since I was diagnosed with it, and realize meds take awhile to kick in, or may not work at all. So it’s been tough. Especially in Japan. ESPECIALLY IN JAPAN. Refer back to my other post for a bit more information–>here.
Leave was…difficult. I almost felt like…it didn’t actually help me really. Besides my mental state, I couldn’t will myself to exercise or get to the gym, and because I wasn’t eating as much in the months of August to October and I lost a significant amount of weight. 11 pounds from August to now. And before I had lost 13 pounds from end of April to end of July which was a mixture of actually dieting in a healthy way from April to mid June and then shit hit the fan. So…..about 23 pounds total give or take since end of April. Although people have told me I look great, I don’t feel great, and I lost the weight in a completely unhealthy way, so it just saddens me when people compliment me. To be honest, quitting may have helped more but the guilt of leaving my students and the obligation finishing out my job weighed on me so hard that I couldn’t actually just leave. “Finish What You Started” has kinda been a mantra of mine for so long that I don’t even notice that it can be toxic in certain cases.
(Disclaimer: If you were wondering where the heck my boyfriend/fiancee was during my leave, bae was on and is still in a 3 month long biz trip, so I was unable to be with my partner)
And now I’m back at work, sick leave is up and I must return. Second day…wooo. I’m actually having a hyper anxious day today and I don’t really know why. Deep breaths, I know. In 36 days I did do some positive things I’ll list them here so I wont continue to depress the crap out of you:
- Sought out a certified American therapist (online), She’s been helping me a lot. I’m still going to my Japanese doctor though because I believe I need medication. It’s also been enlightening to discover the world of mental health care in Japan.
- I took part in a drawing challenge: “Inktober” (draw every day of October basically) so I had at least one thing I could try and complete in the day. I actually finished the full 31 days. It’s astonishing.
- I took one walk in the park one day. And saw some birds and felt the warm sun on my skin.
- I saw this awesome sunrise and something happened inside of me that energized me in a way that I’ve never felt before. This feeling the sunrise gave me actually was better than the one on top of Mt. Fuji back in 2016 so….that’s saying something haha.
- I watched a lot of Netflix, and got Hulu….and finished and started and continued on a lot of shows (this probably was the unhealthy part as well but TV helps me get out of my mind which is good when I find myself not able to relax at all).
- I didn’t do any self-study of Japanese at all and felt liberated by it. I still took classes on Sundays though.
- I saw some people, had a cool sleepover, tried to go out when I was invited somewhere. And although miserable at first, I found myself laughing from time to time when I was with my friends.
- I’ve found a lot about what I prefer in terms of work. Maybe working in an open office and public school in Japan may not be the healthiest thing for me, but I realized that I DO need to go somewhere every day and I need to complete tasks and feel like I’m doing something and helping people in the process. So maybe in the future I can look into options of a shared studio outside of my place or residence where I can go to and write or draw or so whatever I need to do. The future is so unknown, now more than ever, but I realize it’s also exciting.
I also realized how important friends and family are.
3. I had to quit the 10×10 Challenge
As some of you know I usually like to take part in the 10×10 Challenge and as you may have seen I only got to outfit 3. I just couldn’t get myself dressed and showered during that time and the times I did, were the days I had to go out for whatever reason (medicine, doctors visits, or something else like lack of food). I feel again, like a failure. Not so much as a my fail with my hosted blog, but still. I tend to take these failures and dwell upon them instead of focusing on the positives in my life. I’ll try to either start all over on my own time when I’m feeling up to it, or take part in the Winter 10×10, because honestly, I love winter fashion and the Winter 10×10 is my favorite.
4. Some good stuff on the horizon?
I’d hate to leave you all on a bad note so I do have some exciting stuff to talk about. I’m tired of writing this so I’ll just do another list because I’m tired of trying to write cleverly.
- STAR TREK DISCOVERY is amazing. I praise the Star Trek gods for finally releasing something so beautiful it almost makes me cry. Also…The Orville is another one that is also a fun Star Trek spin off that is hilarious but still sticks to the good ol Star Trek standards….being you know a good person and duties and stuff.
- I’d like to announce that this year I’m taking part in Nanowrimo. November is national novel writing month which means this year I will try and complete a 50,000 word novel by writing at least 1,700 words a day. I’ve already started my story and I’m skipping with excitement because this one is good I can already tell. I’m glad I finally sidestepped away from zombie stories and crazy sci-fi because I have such a hard time writing about it. Last year I didn’t finish the challenge, I only got to 8,000 words. But I’d love to try and reach at least half the goal or actually do win the challenge and complete the novel.
- I feel like I’ve finally re-connected with art, and I feel the urge to keep going. This hasn’t happened in a long time. Maybe someday I can actually sell my images for blog sites haha…but for now I’ll just draw my own for my own content.
- I’m going to a Foster the People concert in January, and I’m also trying to get tickets to see The XX in February! I never go to concerts but hey, it’s now or never.
- I’m kinda working on a podcast on life in Japan. If you are interested in joining for an interview or joining the project in some way contact me via email: firstname.lastname@example.org
And that’s it for now. I have to write at least 2,500 words today because I didn’t reach my deadline yesterday. As for this blog…when it will move and how it will happen will be announced at some point.
Thank you for reading and stopping by.